Vampire book i am trying to write please read and comment!!!?

Your teaser is written badly and your characters and scenes lack some basic depth and developement. Keep practicing and come up with your own ideas for it too, don't try to top the best right now, you'll just disappoint yourself. Just try to do it for you, because you haven't done it artisticly or said it like you have wanted to. Yours comes off, as a more of a good idea, but that author isn't speaking with "The voice" yet.